Monday, July 28, 2025

THE IMPERFECT PERFECT PARENT

       Welcome to another episode of ‘What My Heart Learnt with Frances’

THE IMPERFECT PERFECT PARENT is my topic for today.

 

      I have stated before in my 'What Parents Can Learn from Annie Idibia' video that the decision of who to marry is not just about you, but about your children. Looking at the exterior of “He is handsome, he is rich, he spends money on me, great in bed, intelligent, etc.,” and “She is beautiful, a great cook, great in bed, makes money too, educated, etc.” are not reasons enough to marry that person.

Neither is, “He looks after me, buys me whatever I want, etc.” That man and that woman also need to be ready for parenting.

     The choice of who you marry not only affects your destiny but also the destinies of the children you would have with that person.

This is when you hear, “He is a terrible husband, but a loving father.” “She is a great mother, but an awful wife.”

These statements aren’t right. Someone cannot be an awful husband to you and a perfect father to your daughter or son. The dynamics of your relationship that the kids see will almost always affect them as adults. Your relationship with their father or mother as a husband or a wife would form their first idea and knowledge of what relationships should be like between a man and a woman. Trust me, children see, they hear, and they know, and it affects their psychology and emotional growth.

I spoke about daddy issues in the video I mentioned earlier.

      I believe some don’t plan to have kids but do have kids because it is the expected cultural thing, after marriage or at a certain age, kids should be next. Then, some parents in some parts of Africa have kids as a retirement plan, someone to take care of them when they are older. “You don’t know which of my kids would become a billionaire,” some say. Then some have kids out of loneliness.

      Frances Okeke, what do you mean by this topic? Be straight to the point.

Am I ever straight to the point? Hehehe!

        No human is perfect; the task of having a child is like playing a mini god. You can either lead this child to a purposeful life or be the one to derail them. I know that there are great parents who did their absolute best, but the kids turned out terribly.

       My point is, imagine a selfish, imperfect human saddled with the task of not just creating but having an impact on the life of another human. Many of us don’t read parenting books, et al, we just go with the flow, and believe that whatever we dole out as parents will be enough. All it takes to be a parent is to feed, clothe, and send that child to the best schools, then they will turn out okay.

You know I love stories, as the writer et scriptwriter that I am, so maybe a story or two would help make this clearer.

      Ada and Emeka fell in love, or so Ada thought, and got married. To Emeka, having a wife and kids was just the next item to tick off his to do list, after graduation from the university, getting a good job, and making money. Ada was not really his spec, but she was available, and he believed she would be a good mother; she could cook, clean, and take care of the house. She was homely. They had a daughter named Bree. Other children followed after Bree. Emeka was living the life; he had a good and prayerful wife, with five children, and mistresses here and there. All that changed when he met Ijeoma. Ijeoma became his latest mistress, but he decided to marry her. Bree was in secondary school when her father married his second wife.

She watched all the turmoil, tears and pain of her mother, and the disregard and nonchalance from her father. Emeka stopped spending time at home anymore. He practically moved in with his second wife in the new house he bought for her.

      You see, God had destined for Bree to be a great lawyer, a judge, and give birth to a president, among other things. The kingdom of God was going to do a lot with Bree.

      Bree graduated from secondary school. She got a scholarship to study Law in the UK, and all she needed was her father’s consent, because she was sixteen years old. In the cultural setting, it was his consent that was needed.

      Bree told her father about the scholarship. Emeka mentioned Bree’s scholarship to his loving new wife, Ijeoma, and Ijeoma advised her darling husband to say no. What is Bree going to the UK to do? Let her study Law in Nigeria.

It was settled. Emeka was bold enough to inform his daughter Bree that his well-educated wife, who knows all things, believes Nigeria would be best. She can travel abroad later for her master's. Bree never got to study law in Nigeria. Her admission was either denied by the catchment area issue or mysteriously went from admitted to law to some other course.

      How do you think Bree would feel about her father, who used to be her hero, and the kids that would spring forth from Ijeoma, and men in general as an adult in the future? How do you think she would feel about her mother for marrying a man like Emeka?

 

 

      Jane and Theophilus got married. When they were dating, Theophilus realized that Jane would tell what he called white lies once in a while. He also noticed that she was very petty and vengeful, but he loved her too much. Those things weren’t a problem for him.

     They were not rich, but comfortable. They had two children, a boy and a girl. Their son, Michael, had been destined by God to become the biggest football player to ever come out of Africa. It had been written down, the season when the start of his greatness would begin.

Michael started playing football from the age of two, after watching it on TV. His little stubby legs would run and fall with the tiny tennis ball he had found in the house.

    By the age of fifteen, Michael was handsome, a great footballer, liked by all, and voted the most likely to succeed during his secondary school graduation.

    As destined, a foreign agent scouted him, and he was to travel to Milan to start his international football career. He had played for the under-17 national team, and Michael was all anyone could talk about, and that was no surprise.

     A few days before leaving the country, Michael had his visa, passport, bags, and everything he needed ready. Michael had seen his mother take money out of his father’s wallet. When Theophilus asked about his missing money, without thinking twice, Michael told him he had seen Mummy take it. Jane denied taking her husband’s money and called Michael a liar who wanted to shame her.

The matter died down, but Jane was pissed and decided to teach Michael a lesson: “I am his mother. I brought him into this world, and I can take him out of it if I want to.”

       She took his travel documents and burned them all. Michael cried like a newborn baby. He almost raised his hand to hit his mother, “Oh, you want to hit me?” Jane thundered.

      She wanted him to be dealt with some more; she paid some boys to beat him up. In the process of beating him, the boys broke his left leg, his wonder leg.

      Jane, his mother, was not remorseful, “Who does he think he is? Next time, he should know I am his mother and give me my full respect.”

      It took time for Michael’s leg to heal. The international career opportunity never came again. Michael was stuck playing for local leagues and never made it big. In the end, he stopped playing football and became a bus driver.

      How do you think Michael feels towards his father for his choice of a wife, and towards all women, thanks to his mother?

 

      The truth is that the bad character you saw in that man, that woman before you chose to marry them, your kids would be the ones to receive the psychological, emotional, and physical impact of it all. Imagine how Osinachi, the gospel musician’s kids, feel about the father they got, who ended up murdering their mother? He might have been a good father to them, but was that enough? Are they not scarred from his being a bad husband to their mother?

 

      Well, as no human is perfect, no parent is perfect. As children, one loves their parents, then as you grow older, their flaws, bad choices, good choices, mistakes, and strengths become as clear as day. Corrupt politicians, murderers, bad policemen, embezzlers, and co, are all fathers and mothers, and will be good to their kids, but is that enough?

 

     If you are an adult now, and you were impacted by the flaws in your parents, or a parent, it is hard, but forgiveness sets you free, not them. It sets you free from the past, the grudges, the bitterness, unforgiveness, and resentment.

What they did wasn’t right, but they are human, and parents, thus an imperfect perfect parent.

     Please forgive them, forgive the parents who chose to marry them, and learn from their mistakes, so your kids can have a better parent than yours was to you. I believe that’s the best thing. Make the choice your parent never made, and be the parent that your parent failed to be to you for your kids.

Forgiveness does not always mean access.

     Just like every other class or degree, parenthood needs to be studied and prayed about. So, you don’t help the devil destroy the lives of the children or the child that God decides to come through you. Being a great parent does not mean saying yes to everything they ask for, that would lead to breeding entitled kids who don’t know how to take no for an answer, and don’t know that actions bring consequences.

      In the end, there’s really no perfect manual for parenting, but I believe one can go into it with intention and be led by God too. Yes, I’m one of those Christians. Hehehe!

     

       Unfortunately, humans cannot choose their birth parents, but you see your life partner, and the person you decide to make a baby with, that humans can choose. Also, consider your kids whilst choosing.

 

     I might just make a part two of this parenting video, because don’t get me started on some of the kids today.

 

    Thank you so much for listening to, what my Heart Learnt with moi, Frances Okeke. I hope you learnt a thing or two, I know I did.

What are your thoughts.

 

Friday, July 25, 2025

THE BATTLE WITH SELF

THE BATTLE WITH SELF

 

 

https://youtu.be/rJ64BXEx8d0


        When you watch movies, read books, listen to podcasts, and watch videos online, everyone talks about the enemy, haters. Your haters and enemies, they say, are friends, colleagues, people who don’t like you, your village people, and more. In action movies, it could be a country.

Few rarely talk about the real enemy, and that is you. The self of any human is the biggest threat to that human. I am my biggest enemy. You are your biggest enemy.

 

      How Frances? You ask. It stems from the things that initially control us, such as our childhoods, upbringings, and parents, as well as our beliefs, including religion and more.

Also, no matter how much of an extrovert you are, you spend more time, and will spend more time, with yourself than with any other human being on earth. You could even be married, and you live and work with your spouse, but still, you will spend more time with yourself than with your spouse, even if they are physically present all the time.

Every action, word, and more that we take, say, or carry out starts from conversations with ourselves. Yes, you.

      Our self-talks and internal monologues daily are more than any dialogue with another person in a day. Humans are believed to have between 60 to 80,000 thoughts per day. Imagine all that self-talk. We decide what to say, what to do, what to wear, what to eat, places to go to, and more internally.

      Even if you believe in God, and God brings an answered prayer your way, it still depends on you to accept, reject, or work towards it. Our freewill comes into play, and it is mostly decided in our thoughts, as you talk to yourself.

 

      How am I my biggest enemy, Frances? You are beating around the bush.

St. Paul understood the battle with self when he said in Romans 7:15-17, “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do, I do not do, but what I hate, I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good.  As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me.”

      You could say the battle with self is the battle for the control of yourself with yourself. Lol! You know you should lose weight, but every time you think of food, the sight of the lemon cake, you find your hand reaching towards it, and next thing you’ve wolfed the whole cake down, telling yourself, “Today is my cheat day. I will restart the diet tomorrow.”

       You know you should write that book, but you tell yourself you can’t, no one will read it, no one will listen to you, or you do other things to stop you from writing that book, because you are afraid not just of people but afraid of you and for you.

     You know you should stop drinking alcohol. Every time you drink, you do stupid things, have indiscriminate sex, or you fight with everyone in sight, or you kill people by driving drunk, you just lose all sense of control. You really want to stop, you have tried everything, but you think about the pleasure, how it helps you forget the things you want to forget, and you tell yourself, “just one more drink. This will be my last. I will stop after this bottle.” Rinse, repeat until you never stop drinking.

     You know he loves you, or she loves you, but you feel so undeserving to be in a loving relationship that you keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, and it doesn’t. So you carry your thoughts and feelings of unworthiness to sabotage yourself by sleeping with someone else, and it marks the end of that loving relationship of yours. And you tell yourself, “See, I knew I was trash, not deserving. He/she is too good for me.”

     It is clear that you worked hard to succeed, but you keep battling with thoughts of  I don’t deserve this success. “Everyone will soon realize that I’m not all that. I’m not good enough.” You let the impostor syndrome fight you every day and night, until you lead yourself into depression, drugs, or more.

     You tell yourself you will start that project that would change your life today. You really want to start today, but you feel confused, battle worries of what if it fails, do I even know how to do this, and more, so you push the project aside for that day, and you tell yourself, “I will start it tomorrow.”, tomorrow comes and you say, “I will start it tomorrow.”, Now, it has been two years and you keep saying you will start it tomorrow. This project would change your life for the better, but procrastination, as you battle continuously with yourself, doesn’t let you start. You could say, “Frances, it’s the devil’s fault.” Sometimes, yes, but remember the gift of free will from God? Have you prayed and asked for help?

 

     So, you see, the enemy is not on the outside most times. It is on the inside. If you are a Christian like me, you could say it’s the devil, village people, witchcraft, etc, that’s causing the procrastination, negative intrusive thoughts, and more.

    My question even to myself is, what sin, what door have you opened, that has let the devil in to win, and destroy you? It was your actions, thoughts, and words that gave him a foothold. So, in the end, the battle is still with self. It is you who goes to sleep every time you want to pray. It is you who keeps procrastinating, that fast you know you ought to go on. It is you who fails to read the bible. It is you who let the devil in. It is you that will chase the devil out and let the Holy Spirit in.

     The devil doesn’t take away your freewill.  How, Frances?

It is your choice. It is you who will choose which master to obey, and to let in, because in the end, the biggest battle is within me, within you. It is the battle with oneself.

     Imagine a drowning man; you dive in to save that drowning man, and he refuses to let you save him. It is a choice by self. You could see all the top psychologists, counselors, life coaches, go to the best churches to see the most Holy Ghost-filled men of God, receive top advice, and more. In the end, the choice is mine, the choice is yours.

 

     No one is coming to save you, and no one can save you unless you let them.

I am my enemy. You are your enemy. It is the battle with self, and we fight that battle every day, hour, minute, and second, on the inside. Who is going to win, you or yourself?

 

Wednesday, November 29, 2023

THE DREAM

 

 


 This won’t be a well written essay but a ramble of sorts by a Christian.

 An event in 2020, got me triggered and I went back to a past event and someone from my past. The next few months and years after that event in 2020, I talked and talked, more like shed and dealt with all the pain, betrayal, hurt and more that I had been dealt with by former friendships, romantic relationships, etc.

  See, I had forgiven those people but unknown to me I hadn’t let go of the pain, betrayal, I was fractured in my soul, broken in many places by the knives , needles and sharp objects that betrayals, disappointments and pain are.

  You see this event that triggered me in 2020 deepened my relationship with God. I sought God, I searched and searched for Him. I realized as I talked about my past, the people who had betrayed me and so on that there was bitterness, unforgiveness and resentment in me. I had no idea they were there and I had never dealt with the betrayals from my past. I had shrugged them off but now, here I was.

  The event of 2020 helped me let go. I dropped my past behind; all the betrayals, pain, hurt. I now understood what resentment, bitterness and unforgiveness truly were and I forgave from the depth of my heart as I shed the burden I had carried in my soul for so long. It took years but I am lighter.

  There were days of crying, fasting and begging God to heal me and restore me, to help me.

  I had this desperation to hear the voice of God, to know I was truly hearing from God, to take back my life and live it for God.

  I was beyond grateful that I didn’t stay dead in 2015. I had died, was in a dark place before I felt myself falling back into my body then my eyes opened and I was back in my body. I might never have woken up in my body and I would never had made heaven if I had died that morning. I survived. I began my journey to God but 2020 was the year.

  The event that triggered me was not Covid but an interaction with a man. I was grateful for that.

  I also remember discovering in 2021 that I was battling with lust. Then God telling me in my prayer time in January 2022 that I was going to write a book and start a series of videos on sex as a Christian and I was “It can’t be me, can it? God can’t ask me to do that? Who would listen plus I battle with lust, fighting it amongst other things. It definitely isn’t you God or is that your voice?” I knew it was but I didn't want to do it.

   I did write the book though not published yet called ‘Single Christian Sex Talk’ in less than three weeks, I had written forty thousand words. Now, sharing it little by little on my YouTube channel as asked. I was worried about perception, what people would think, me talking about sex. What did I even know? Lol! Plus I was worried, I would lose friends, jobs, etc. but I started it after debating with God for months. I obeyed. The views aren’t great but I walk in obedience.

 

  From 2020 I have watched over a thousand videos by various men of God on spiritual warfare, hearing the voice of God, knowing the Holyspirit, etc.  I have gone on so many long fasts, it could have only been God that led me into them and saw me through them.

  I was on one of many fasts in 2023, praying for who (the man in 2020) I had been asked to fast and pray for during that fast when I had the dream.

 I was at a train station. The train arrived it was empty. A long train and it was empty, save for a man seated in front, he got down and left. The driver of the train was a woman, she came down and said. “Frances, you’re welcome to Heaven express.” 

 She took my tiny luggage with her and we got on. She was way in front. All the train coaches were empty and I was alone.

 She drove for a long while, then she dropped me somewhere. A chauffeur was waiting for me. I was driven in a car to the next stage of my journey.

  The car stopped in front of a huge gate, I couldn’t see inside because of the gate. The driver stopped, dropped my tiny luggage, smiled at me and left.

  I heard, “Frances, you are welcome.” And the gate opened.

  I woke up at that point. I woke up singing a song of praise from my dream. I was so happy. I understood the dream.

  I had made heaven. Salvation is a long and lonely journey that we all will have to work out by ourselves.

  I made heaven in my dream. My goal is to make it in reality. I have had more than one near death experience. I want to make heaven whenever death does come knocking, only when God wills it. God didn’t let me die, many times. I am sure there is a reason I am still here and I will achieve it by God’s grace. Many things we think of as important in this life, aren’t important when we die. I have cheated death more than once.

  I want to make heaven. That is my deepest goal and purpose asides from being obedient to the voice of the Holyspirit and walking in alignment with the will of God which I keep seeking. I am far from Christ-like but I am working out my salvation.

  It is one thing to hear God and another thing to trust and obey what was heard.

  I am still on my journey in seeking and knowing God.

 Will you make heaven? Is that your goal?